Harry Potter and the Highly Illogical Events
by doctor b. broseph
Summary: What seems like a poorly written lemon devolves into the aforementioned events. Contains fat jokes, time travel, gratuitous death and love scenes and much, much more!
1. Oh man! Time Travel? So cool!

Harry was sitting in the Common Room, studying for his Charms test. He was studying a spell to enlarge objects, the '_Engorgio_' charm and he was finding it really, really hard. Hard as balls. As he sat deep into the chair, trying to enlarge as hard as possible, Hermione Granger walked into the room. Harry, oblivious to the fact that his current predicament was a poorly thought-out lead in to a _Harry_x_Hermione_ lemon fan fiction, decided to ask Hermione for some help.

"Hey Hermione, can you get yourself over here and help me enlarge?" he asked in a breathy whisper, that was actually more of a coarse purr.

"Sure Harry" smiled Hermione, "as long as you don't mind a very hands on approach."

Hermione walked over and clutched Harry's wand between supple fingers (no innuendo intended) and began to work sparks out of the tip (innuendo intended).

"Engorgio," she murmured with anticipation.

The wand erupted and a jet of magic shot from the tip and hit Hermione all over the face. This was known in the business of magic as the 'money shot'. Hermione took it like a champ and fell over backwards.

And then she expanded to a gargantuan size, breaking out of the castle. Harry gasped as the remains of the Gryffindor common room crumbled and fell around him. Beds fell with reckless abandon and Harry thought he saw Neville's copy of _Witch Weekly_ flutter down.

"Holy Pope! Hermione, you are huge!" gasped Harry.

Hermione frowned, "Are you trying to say I look fat? I'm not fat!"

"Ha-ha calm down fatty," laughed Harry, "You aren't fat, you're just big boned. Because your bones are so fat! Ha! Hermione, you are so fat that you require your own post-code. Hermione, you are so fat when you go to the beach you're the only one who gets a tan. Hermione, you are so fat you're almost definitely obese, you probably suffer low self-esteem and will likely die of a heart-attack."

Hermione raged so hard at Harry's remarks. It was the final straw. Hermione could let Harry's hero complex slide. She could overlook the fact he wore dorky glasses. She could look past the fact that Harry was a raging douchebag and she could ignore the fact that Harry had been much too premature and shot her in the face with an engorgement spell. But fat jokes were where Hermione chose to draw the line.

She drew back her fist and punched Harry right in the face. At her current size, this was equivalent to dropping a skyscraper on Harry's head. He was obliterated instantly.

But not instantly enough to let slip an opportunity for a few last words, "My only regret… is dying…"

And with that he expired. Ron would later describe the spectacle of his death as watching a bag of meat explode.

Incidentally, Ron walked into the room.

"Holy Bishop! Hermione, you killed Harry! Also, you're growing huger," screamed Ron, in an uncharacteristically high-pitched voice.

"Gee thanks for pointing that out, Captain Observable," scoffed Hermione, rolling her eyes.

"I can't believe you killed Harry. It was like watching a bag of meat explode! It cannot be unseen!"

"Hey, it's not my fault," pouted Hermione, "he called me fat and also his wand discharged onto my face prematurely!"

Ron folded his arms, "That bastard… is still my friend and we owe it to him to revive him. Surely there is a spell to reverse death itself?"

Hermione face palmed, "Ron there isn't a spell to reverse death itself. That's like the whole point of our adventures, when people die they stay dead. They can come back as ghosts or whatever the Resurrection Stone does, but not back to life without Horcruxes."

Ron snapped his fingers, "Hermione you're a genius! We'll steal a time turner, go back and time and give Harry a horcrux without him knowing it, so we can bring him back to life!"

"That's sounds pretty difficult Ron, how will we know if we succeed?"

Suddenly Ron and a much smaller Hermione appeared from the future. Ron was wearing a clown suit and riding a giraffe on roller-skates. To complete the ridiculousness of the situation, Hermione was wearing a jetpack and missing her left hand and an eye, as evidenced by an eye-patch she wore over her left eye.

"Hey guys, we just came by to say, you're going to succeed. We're going to take Harry's… remains and bring him back to life, you guys just work on getting the time truner and making the horcrux."

Present-Hermione raised her left hand hesitantly. Future-Hermione nodded, "Yes Past-Hermione? You want to know what happened to my hand and eye?"

Present-Hermione nodded slowly, "Well yes, but won't knowing prevent it from happening and cause a paradox?"

Future-Hermione nodded, "Yeah, so I won't tell you much apart from the fact that you lose your eye when a bird takes a dump on your eye. And before you say anything, yes, that doesn't sound like it's too serious, but it'll make sense when it happens."

Present-Hermione shrugged. It didn't really make sense to her but what would be the point in worrying about something that's destined to happen?

Future-Ron turned to give Present-Ron some advice.

"Hey man, don't forget to wind your watch."

"I don't have a watch."

Future-Ron shrugged, "I don't know, it's just what I remember my future-self saying. I'm just closing the stable time loop man. Hell I'm not even sure what year we're in."

Present-Ron frowned, "Is that the same thing with the clown outfit and giraffe? You're just doing it because you know you're going to do it rather than it serving any purpose? Because if that's the case, screw time travel."

Future-Ron smiled, "Oh no, this stuff definitely serves a purpose even if it doesn't seem like it now. I forgot how ignorant I used to be. Let's just say that no matter how confusing things get, you're just doing this for the sake of the timeline. Oh and Harry I guess. Guess I better revive that guy."

Present-Ron and Present-Hermione waved their future-selves good bye as they scooped up a bucket of Harry and vanished into the future or past. Hermione and Ron exchanged significant looks.

"Well I guess we probably succeed in making the Horcrux and stealing the time turner," shrugged Hermione. "I guess we should head to the zoo."

"Why the zoo?" asked Ron.

"To get the giraffe, idiot," scoffed Hermione, "we're going to need to close this stable time loop to avoid paradoxes."

"Are paradoxes even a thing?" asked Ron, "How certain are we that time turners work that way?"

Hermione shrugged, "Look we don't understand how they work we just try not to screw up the timeline. Even I'm confused by this stuff and I'm the smart one. Let's go."

Hermione reached down and placed Ron on her monstrous shoulders.

"Onward," screamed Ron as Hermione charged across the landscape with reckless abandon.

_**To be continued…**_


	2. Time Travel ain't easy

As Ron rode on the back of his new steed, it suddenly occurred to him that the 'Engorgio' charm would typically run out after a few hours. A few hours had just passed.

"Uh, Hermione, you better let me down from your back or you're going to shrink rapidly and I might fall," he began right before Hermione shrunk rapidly. For a split second, Ron hung comically in the air. It was like something out of Looney Tunes. Then he fell to the ground with a 'thud'.

"Holy priests, that hurt," he moaned as he got himself up. He got into an erect position, that is to say, he stood up.

He looked around and noted that he was in the zoo. Phase one of their ridiculous plan was complete. All he had to do now was steal a giraffe.

He turned to face Hermione, who had fallen into an exhibit. The lion's exhibit.

"Hermione wake up! You've fallen into the lion's exhibit," screamed Ron earnestly. But it was in vain. The lions emerged from their cages and leapt onto Hermione's unconscious form.

"No!" screamed Ron and he charged into the exhibit, wand firing with wild abandon in all directions. Nothing could deter him from ensuring Hermione, not even the fact that when you say a_ll directions_ really fast, it sounds like _old erections_. (Lol, thought Ron)

He grabbed Hermione around the chest, and pulled her from exhibit, warding off the lions with a few harmless killing curses.

"Avada Kedavra feline scum!" he yelled with bloodlust. He finally emerged and lay Hermione down at his feet. She was unconscious and what was worse, the lions had taken her hand. To put it bluntly, they had gnawed it off the wrist and all that was left was a bloody stump similar to that of Future-Hermione's.

Ron's eyes widened, "The prophecy is fulfilled…"

It was all unfolding before him. The only conditions left to fulfil were to obtain a clown suit, jet pack, giraffe, roller skates for the giraffe, the means to create a horcrux for Harry in the past and also Hermione would have to lose an eye.

Stupid time loops.

Hermione awoke with a scream, "Jesus Thick! What is this, my hand doesn't even-"

Ron rushed to her side, and started to shush her and patted her head, "Shhhhh, calm down, it's going to be-"

"My hand! Where did it even-? I'm bleeding so hard right now- Oh god oh god oh god- What is air- How do I oxygen?" She began hyperventilating and passed out on the floor again. Ron would need to calm her down, presumably with some sort of hand substitute. He walked over to the exhibit fence and snapped off one of the sharp tips of the bars. It looked fairly ornamental and eye-puncturingly sharp.

"This should do as a replacement hand," he mused to himself as he tied the sharp implement to her hand, "Now she can stab people with greater ease. There is no way this could possibly go wrong."

Later (but not very later) when she woke up, she would accidentally stab out her own eye. We will all be surprised when this happens.

Hermione awoke with a start. She was barely aware of her surroundings.

"Whoa, what happened?"

Ron smiled, "Calm down Hermione. You fell into the lion's exhibit and I rescued you. You definitely still have your hand so don't panic if it seems like you don't."

Hermione smiled in return, "Oh thank god. At least nothing- Oh snap! Some sort of bird just shat in my eye. Let me clean it out with my left hand."

Ron winced but said nothing. He wasn't going to take the fall for this.

"Ah! I've gouged my own eye out! How does this even happen?"

She passed out. Ron quickly rushed over, removed the spearhead from her stumpy arm remains and then cleaned out her eye socket. If she asked, it was all the lions.

As Ron stood back from Hermione's maimed body, he spotted the giraffe's exhibit not far away. It was heavily guarded by Muggle authorities for reasons indiscernible to Ron. Why did they think people needed more protection from giraffes? Why had they left the lion's exhibit so unguarded in comparison?

Bloody Muggles. How the hell had they survived as a species?

As he sighed at their apparent stupidity, he noticed a flyer float to his feet, as if delivered by mysterious forces. He picked it up and read its message with little surprise, but rather a resigned feeling.

'_Hot diggity dang kidlets! Hope you are in for the mad tricks yo, because for one night only, the zoo will be shoving phat tricks all up in your "biz". That's right; Radical Bozo the Clown will be riding giraffes who are wearing roller-skates tonight for your entertainment pleasure, yo. Do not miss this hellaciously sicknasty bizniz. Dawg. Word out._'

Ron rolled his eyes. It was pretty obvious what would happen next. He would find the clown, take his clothes, and then pretend to be the clown long enough to escape with the giraffe.

He then proceeded to do just that, and although we are going to skip over that part, you aren't really missing that much. It was an obvious conclusion. Suffice it to say, Ron succeeded and stole the giraffe. Also when Hermione woke up, she found a jetpack in the women's toilets that had been left behind by let's say… Doyle from _The Secret Saturdays_.

They then fled from the scene like the stupid jerks they are, stole a time turner from the Ministry for Magic and went back in time so as to give themselves the instruction to ensure these events all take place.

From their past-selves perspectives, they witnessed Ron and Hermione (much smaller than her past counterpart) appear from the future. The scene played out exactly as before except now, they actually understood their ridiculous outfits. As you know, Ron was wearing a clown suit and riding a giraffe on roller-skates. To complete the ridiculousness of the situation, Hermione was wearing a jetpack and missing her left hand and an eye, as evidenced by an eye-patch she wore over her left eye.

Future Hermione thought back to the words she had once heard her future-self say and tried to repeat them as accurately as possible. That is to say, she said exactly the same thing because stable time loops.

"Hey guys, we just came by to say, you're going to succeed. We're going to take Harry's… remains and bring him back to life, you guys just work on getting the time truner and making the horcrux."

Present-Hermione raised her left hand hesitantly. Future-Hermione nodded, "Yes Past-Hermione? You want to know what happened to my hand and eye?"

Present-Hermione nodded slowly, "Well yes, but won't knowing prevent it from happening and cause a paradox?"

Future-Hermione sadly nodded, "Yeah, so I won't tell you much apart from the fact that you lose your eye when a bird takes a dump on your eye. And before you say anything, yes, that doesn't sound like it's too serious, but it'll make sense when it happens."

She wished she could prevent all this, but even she was unsure how it had happened. Lions apparently, if ROn was to be believed.

Present-Hermione shrugged. It didn't really make sense to her but what would be the point in worrying about something that's destined to happen?

Future-Ron turned to give Present-Ron some advice. Just as Future-Ron had once done to him. The other future-Ron who was now him. Time travel is confusing especially in regards to tense.

"Hey man, don't forget to wind your watch."

"I don't have a watch."

Future-Ron shrugged, "I don't know, it's just what I remember my future-self saying. I'm just closing the stable time loop man. Hell I'm not even sure what year we're in." And now that he thought about it, this couldn't take place in any of their school years and still make sense chronologically.

Present-Ron frowned, "Is that the same thing with the clown outfit and giraffe? You're just doing it because you know you're going to do it rather than it serving any purpose? Because if that's the case, screw time travel."

Future-Ron smiled, it felt good to be the one explaining everything to his ignorant past-self, "Oh no, this stuff definitely serves a purpose even if it doesn't seem like it now. I forgot how ignorant I used to be. Let's just say that no matter how confusing things get, you're just doing this for the sake of the timeline. Oh and Harry I guess. Guess I better revive that guy."

Present-Ron and Present-Hermione waved their future-selves good bye as they scooped up a bucket of Harry and vanished into the past. Definitely the past.

Ron snatched the time turner from Hermione's neck and smashed in on the ground.

"We are never fucking time travelling again, I am so sick of this bullshit," he cursed loudly.

Hermione nodded in agreement.

"Let's go make Harry a Horcrux."

_**To be continued…**_


	3. Why you should stop reading

As Ron and Hermione set off to fetch forbidden books on Horcruxes from Dumbledore's office, they noticed a young woman run towards them. The woman was screaming indignantly and yet carried an air of something resembling intelligence. The two shared significant glances.

"Excuse me! Excuse me you two! I have something to say about all of this!" screamed the woman who approached them with speed reminiscent to a Jeep Wrangler.

Ron rolled his eyes, "Well what the bloody hell do you want? We are sort of in the middle of something here."

"Let me speak my piece," panted the woman as she struggled to catch her breath.

Hermione sighed, "Well get on with it then."

The woman folded her arms in a huff and then launched into a rant.

"Let me keep this concise, as I am in no mood to fraternise in a universe defined by its stupidity. I want to start off by saying that I have nothing but the utmost admiration for J.K. Rowling's work and that these highly illogical events that are occurring are the worst atrocities you could possibly commit. This is awful. There isn't even a way to make this good-"

Ron and Hermione shared confused glances, "Lady, what in the Pope's unholy name are you babbling about?"

The woman continued, enthralled by the sound of her own voice, "I am well aware that this has been advertised as a series of highly illogical events and yet somehow I expected better. The stupidity that occurred should not be surprising to me, nor was I forced to witness it, but now that I have I feel compelled to speak against it. This is the most ignorant, anti-intellectual thing I have ever borne witness to. As a self-proclaimed intellectual, with a single fan fiction of my own to my name and very little actual credentials, I can't help but point out your inadequacies. In fact, doing so makes me feel better about myself."

Ron and Hermione signalled to each other that it might just be possible to sneak away. The woman was flushing red with anger and pride and was so swept up in her criticism that they could feasibly just leave and she wouldn't even notice. They proceeded to do so.

And the woman? She proceeded to continue. You might want to follow Ron and Hermione's lead. She is quite determined to speak her peace and I think it might be best if we let her vent her frustration. Feel free to skip ahead to the next chapter if you wish.

Or read on, the choice is yours.

"I abhor the stupidity of this universe, despite the fact it was clearly advertised as such. It is necessary for me to inform you of your flaws because I am better than you in every conceivable way. My unfathomable passion smoulders on for the English language and I may very well pleasure myself while reading a thesaurus late into the night. I simply adore intellectualism and it gets me off. And that brings me to my next point; your complete stupidity.

My god, I can barely believe what I'm reading here. You barely understand the mechanics of time travel, even though the mechanics of time travel are unknown to all but possibly the people of the future! The fat jokes are hardly intelligent, even though intelligence is clearly not the goal of this story, and there has yet to be any of the gratuitous sex scenes advertised on the summary provided!

My one desperate home here is that this thing is somehow a twisted and poorly constructed parody of fan fiction as a whole. This hardly seems likely however as it lacks the typical motivation of all fan fiction which seems to be who will have sex with who. I suppose it could be a crack fic but it wasn't advertised as such and who am I to think too deeply about what is clearly an exercise in stupidity.

Hell, what was the point of this speech anyway? Is anyone actually reading this? Why insert a thinly-veiled caricature of the one (so far) critical reviewer of this fic? Is this somehow intelligent? Is the author somehow being witty? Is there any thought put into this narrative at all? Is this all some sort of weird first draft Why the hell am I asking so many questions in rapid succession?"

She collapsed in a heap and sobbed into the ground for a period of time not exceeding 69 (insert "lol" here) minutes.

_**To be continued…**_


	4. All meaningless xhf7u5y SWX &

Ron and Hermione walked onward and spoke nothing of what just happened, either out of respect for the fourth wall or because they couldn't give a shit.

"So what's the plan," inquired Ron to a frowning Hermione. Hermione shrugged and stroked her chin thoughtfully.

"Well I suppose we'll need to learn how to make a Horcrux. I think that might be a very difficult process though. I'm not even sure Rowling herself knows how."

"Who?"

"Nobody Ron. Nobody."

Ron squinted bemusedly, "Well I guess we'd better settle down somewhere and give you time to learn how to make a Horcrux. This will surely be a lengthy and tedious process."

Hermione strained her face tenderly, "Yes, surely it will be a stressful time. But I'm sure we can find a way for two people to relieve tension and stress alone together."

Ron wheezed appealingly, "Ms Granger, are you proposing what I think you are proposing?"

Hermione beamed stunningly, "If what you're thinking is what I'm thinking you're thinking I'm proposing, then yes. God yes."

Ron huffed sexily, "Oh yes Hermione, my body is ready and also my shirt has opened."

Hermione thrust herself onto the table with reckless abandon, flailing with grace on the timber, "Take me on this hardwood table with your own."

Ron proceeded to have sex with Hermione and it was glorious. No description could do it justice. It has been said there have been five contenders for the most pure, beautiful sex scenes in all of history. This one blew them all away.

As they lay on the table, passions still smouldering, they looked up at the night sky and gazed at its beauty. Truly as amazing as their sex had been, Nature was still the most beautiful thing. The cosmos was so vast and stunning. It was hard to believe any form of life could be out there, so close and yet so very far away.

Azathoth's creation was a beautiful thing indeed, thought Hermione humbly to herself.

Suddenly a tentacle beast fell from the sky and forced all of its appendages into all of Hermione's orifices.

"Oh god, it's like one of the scenes from one of my Japanese Hentai's", Hermione managed to scream one last time. She gagged on the tentacles of the beast and her face went blue. She began to heave with lack of oxygen.

"Ron, stop touching yourself and help me," she whimpered.

Ron shook his head. And his wand.

"I'm sorry Hermione, but you took a life. The universe demands you pay for it with your own. It is the way of things. The way of the Force."

A single tear rolled down Hermione's eye and she accepted her fate. She went limp and let the tentacle beast do its worst.

The tentacle beast proceeded to burst all of Hermione's orifices and it was utterly horrifying. No description could do it justice. It has been said there have been five contenders for the most ungodly, fucking terrifying death scenes in all of history. This one blew them all away.

"Adios Hermione," sadly sighed Ron under his breath, "Good night sweet prince."

He wiped some of Hermione that had splattered on his face and paced away into the night. There was no longer any point. Harry was dead and with Hermione's death, there would be no reviving him. Ron knew jack shit about Horcruxes.

What was the point to any of this, he thought to himself as he wandered down the corridor. It had all been for nothing. Nothing had been improved, and there was no justifying anything that happened as part of some greater plan. It had been random, senseless and violent. There was no purpose in it.

"That's life," noted Ron bitterly and he continued down into the ever darkening abyss. Visions swirled around him. He relived past days, watching Harry and Hermione die again and again. A plume of smoke arose and he found a flight of stairs.

Despite his misgivings, he ascended.

Atop the staircase, he happened upon a blonde floating as though underwater. He recognised her as Luna Lovegood, and yet there was an unfamiliar masculinity about her.

"Ronald Bilious Weasley. You have been judged and you have been found wanting."

Ron sobbed quietly in the corner as Molly undid her belt.

"I'm so sorry, please give me a chance to redeem myself. I'll do anything."

Molly bound the belt around his neck and gazed deep into his eyes.

"Anything?"

Ron swallowed.

"Anything."

Molly glanced at the man-Luna who nodded and suddenly Ron was bleeding. He pulled at the stringy fluid and fell apart. He resolved himself into a dew and found a small pool beneath him. A scarred boy stood in front and indicated towards the pool.

Upon his viewing, Ron noted much too late the true purpose of his misstep from the true path. He would return to serve a new role. He was no longer the brother.

Ron was the Basilisk.

_**The End**_


End file.
